I'm not a good lil Christian girl... I tried at times to be. The more I tried, the worse I failed. The less grateful I became, the more demanding I was. The more controlling I became, the less trusting I was. The less trusting I was, the more fearful I became.. until one day that all came crashing down, and I found myself at a place I never dreamed in a hundred years I would be. One of my concerns for years was that I didn't want to be a hypocrite, yet I kept forgetting the importance of fearing God above fearing what others thought or said of me. Yet looking back I can see that God used me despite all my insecurities, and even though I don't know why He's still choosing to use me even in all my messy and brokeness, He is. In my struggles with unbelief, my confusion, my shattered and raw heart, yet I still see Him at work. If I can be really vulnerable, I don't want people to think I'm someone that I'm not. I know in my heart that if anything beautiful and life giving comes out of me it's Him. Yet I do wrestle with "performing" at times even in my sincerity. As I continue to learn that it's not about me [how freeing that is], that I can trust Him, (with everything) and that He already knows what's in store. That fear no longer needs to control me, though if I'm honest I've been wrestling with what others think more recently than I have in awhile. [yay for tests]
On that day when my world turned upside down, I shut down. I stopped loving. (well kind of) [one of the worst decisions ever] I stopped praying (well just for a little) I stopped reading my Bible, and I chose to believe the lies that I was told instead of the Truth of what God says. Yet those lies revealed things to me, that God was longing to set me free from and show me truth. So even though I hate that trust has been broken, that I still don't make sense of it all. I'm still grateful, and still choosing to trust that God has a reason. Even if it's still so raw, and the tears still fall. Because I believed the lies, I also believed that because of "who" I was that I was not worthy of being loved, much less accepted. So I held back, and let very few people in. The girl who used to love freely was now scared to love. Not out of fear of being rejected but because she didn't think that it was okay for a girl with her problems to share God's love. Those months were miserable beyond words. I'm still trying to process it all. Still praying for a miracle, still longing for the day when I can feel God's presence, sense His love deep with in, to hear His whisper. I know He still cares. That is evident. Yet I miss the closeness. Also I know that only He can restore the damage that's been done, heal the gaping wound, and restore and grow what has been pruned away so my life can again bear the fruit of His Spirit. The path of surrender and counting the cost is not an easy one.
I can't go back and do things differently. I wish I could. I wish I would have loved more and been less afraid. Prayed more and worried less. Trusted completely instead of controlling. Respected instead of demanding. Forgiven insteaad of holding onto anger. Yet on the flip side. This Ms. Perfectionist on herself is learning that mistakes are okay. [still have a long way to go on this one] Still learning that mistakes are actually good things. Not only can I learn from them, but they remind me of how much I need Jesus. Every day, every moment. [not that I don't already know how human and messed up I am] It's more like coming to grips with the fact that God knew I was going to make those mistakes before I ever made them and that doesn't change His love for me one little bit. Now I can see a bit clearer that in my weakness, His strength is made perfect. What I am not, He is. Yet because of who He is, what He has done, I am now made righteous. I am free to love. Not that I'll always love perfectly, but because He is in me I have the greatest Gift of all to offer to the world. The gift of my Heavenly Father's love. Who He is, gives me a picture of who He's making me to be. I'll never be perfect this side of Heaven, yet knowing that He sees every step of the way, and He's going to complete what He's started in me is such a wonderful hope.
God is love. Love never fails. I'm learning to cling to these truths, even in the raw. Even when it feels like so much has been stripped away. When it feels like I'm a rosebush that's been pruned, and all I have to offer Him and others are my cut back branches. Even though it doesn't always feel like it, He is still good, and still so worthy of my life & praise!
On to a more carefree note.. The South has been giving me many opportunities to enjoy new surroundings & new friends. =)
"Difficult roads often lead to beautiful destinations"
Looking back I'm so thankful for God's incredible gift of grace.
"Amazin' grace hath brought me safe thus far... and grace will lead me Home"
