Mark 11:25 (ESV)
And whenever you stand praying forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.
So I'm the girl who grew up hearing about forgiveness. Taught the truth of it to others. Understood it somewhat, yet was often amazed when someone would just forgive me like that. I felt so unworthy and would wonder, how could they just forgive me? (no strings attached) Without me knowing, the roots of resentment, bitterness, and unforgivness had tangled me up until it felt like I was suffocating. [sometimes literally] I was walking around so wounded, I didn't know if there was any way possible for me to be free. I knew that Jesus had the power, but unbelief also had it's ugly claws on me. [something I still wrestle with at times] So there I was confused, knowing that I had lived in the truth, yet not understanding why the darkness once again had closed in. It was silent. I shed tears, yet also felt numb. I wanted to share Jesus, but at that time I had a hard time believing that I was still His. [He was still there, I just couldn't see Him] He took me to the desert, so I would know Him more. He took me to the desert so I would see my need of letting go, my need to repent, release, and forgive. For me to see that it's not about me, it's about Him. He took me to the desert so He could go with me and conquer the strongholds that had bound me for so long. He took me to the desert because He's not finished with me yet. Yet He didn't take me there for me, He took me there for Him. He took me there because He is love. Love is patient. Love is slow to anger. Love rejoices in the truth. He took me to the desert so I could know that I could be completely honest with Him, so He could heal me. He brought me to the desert so that His love could flow through me more than before. He wanted to show me more of Him, and more of who He's created me to be. He took me to the desert so I could know that He is who He really says He is. He took me to the desert to take me to a deeper level of trusting Him. [for some reason trust is a lesson I need to learn over and over, and yet He's so patient with me, so kind & loving] In all truthfulness, I had prayed for the desert without knowing it. My prayer has been "God, do whatever it takes to keep me close to You." He in His wisdom and perfect ways knew it was time for the desert. Time for more pruning to happen. Although it's so painful I'm thankful for those "pruning sheers". Thankful for the discipline of my Father. His ways really are perfect, it was a terrible thing when I stopped believing that.[or at least questioning it] When I took my eyes off Him and placed them on me and elsewhere is when my life shattered. Yet like He is, He remained faithful even in my unfaithfulness. He remained strong in my weakness.
In the silence, He was still there. He knew all this was going to happen. Oh the peace of knowing that He already knows. He sees my life from beginning to the end. :) Yet somehow the need to surrender and trust Him completely is a struggle. One that I'm learning is an everyday, moment by moment of saying "Yes" to Him. Oh, the rest there is when I do. When I believe that it's all in His control. That not only does He have the whole world in His hands, but if I give it to Him, He has all of me in His hands as well. Safe, protected, LOVED, accepted, forgiven, free and the gift of being poured out for the One who died to save me from Hell. I deserved hell, [sometimes I still grapple with that, but it's true, we all do] Yet He chose to come, die on a cross, take our sin, and rise again so that you and I could experience the Father's love, all of His gifts and Heaven.
The day when the prayer to experience more of Him, to experience an outpouring of His Spirit came to be, I opened up my heart before Him and He set me free from things I wasn't sure I would ever be free from. [yes, my faith was so small] You see I had held onto unforgiveness as if it was my right. As if I needed it to protect me. As if holding others responsible somehow would make the pain less. [wrong] I still feel like such a babe when it comes to forgiving. Yet I'm learning that I don't want to live without it. If I want to experience the Father's forgiveness, we also must forgive. Again and again. I never want to stop forgiving. For the land of unforgiveness is a horrible place to live. If you find any in your heart today, I urge you to forgive. To allow Jesus to cleanse that part of you and allow you to love again. I know I have so much growing to do, yet I know He's not finished with me yet. I'm excited about He has in store, the joy & honor I have to love, worship and obey Him. The gift He's given me of allowing me to be a part of His kingdom! I long for more of Him, more of His fire in my heart, more of His love to spill out on everyone around. JESUS & only JESUS. The power of the Gospel. It changes lives. I pray that I will always boldly speak the truth. May you experience His love & forgiveness. May you walk in the light of the truth that sets you free!
