A Story of God's Grace & Rhonda's Redemption.
Not sure where to start this, because it's all so intertwangled. Maybe at the most important place and that is GOD and His power that saved my life, not once but many times. Especially this past winter. Some of you already know this, and some of you have no clue. This past fall/winter I walked through some of the darkest days of my life's journey so far. I hope & pray I never have to go through some of those “dark” days again. Even though it didn't feel like it at the time, I can look back now and see that GOD was with me through it all. Though during those days I didn't believe that GOD could ever love me again. I thought I was too far gone. I was wondering if I would ever experience His love & presence again. If His light would ever shine in my eyes, if I would know His forgiveness. I had before, and I knew what I was missing. I think that was the hardest part. Being “so far away” from GOD and not knowing how I could ever return to the deep & close relationship with Him that I once had. It felt like I was at the very end of a rope, hanging over a dark black pit. The LIGHT was so far up and so far away I knew there was no way I could ever get there on my own. I cried out to GOD and yet it seemed like there was no answer. I was desperate. I was a broken, hurting, and weeping mess. My worth, belonging and competence level was pretty much at a zero. I knew I was hurting those around me because of my pain, but I didn't know what to do about it. The memories and intense moments of feeling deep pain were overwhelming. I tried hard to hide my tears. To shield those around me from what was really going on inside of me. In my opinion I was too much, and yet not enough. The countless tears I cried in those months were at that time to me shameful.
Going back and reading my journal just gives a witness to my heart of how good God is and makes me rejoice of how that pain isn't felt anymore. Not like that. Now it's seen in the LIGHT. It's like I'm at the top with Him looking back at the darkness that He brought me out of. Here's an exert from my journal to give you a “window” into my heart during that time.
“I feel like the wounded at an accident seen. Not many want to see and those who do turn away. Only a few people are willing to help. They can do CPR for which I am thankful. Ultimately my life and healing are in God's hands.”
“I'm not sure I even know what it's like to belong. I've always been the strange, different and weird one. Just never did quite fit in. The few times I did belong I didn't know what to do with it. The times when I was actually wanted I had a hard time believing them. Why would anybody want me? I don't even like myself.”
Yeah.. reading over that now is just like. Wow. Yet then it was so real. It was how I perceived life. How I perceived myself. Sadly it was how I perceived GOD. That He didn't want me, that I didn't have a place of belonging in Him, that I was too messy for even Him. LIES. I know that now, but I couldn't see it then. Satan had those lies tangled around me like a big old web and I didn't see any way out. I had forgotten that the TRUTH sets you free. I was letting those lies define me instead of GOD. The battle for my soul was so intense during those months that I could literally feel it at times. One day that battle became more real than ever before. I don't know the date. I just remember the moment. For some reason I was up on 3rd in our apartment. I don't remember why I was up there or what I was doing. Satan “whispered” in my head. “You could just take all those pills [the ones I never took after my surgery] and end it all.” The desire to give in got so intense that I went and got a chair, took them off my shelf and flushed them down the toilet. I threw the container away and never told anyone. [well not for a long time anyways] I just went on living life and never really stopped to think about what had happened that day. Even in counseling we talked about me being suicidal, but for some reason this incident never came to the surface.
Months went by and I completely forgot about it. Til Training Week of 2016. God in His perfect timing did what I never dreamed He would. I ended up telling not one but two of my friends in the same evening about it. So did not plan to do that, but GOD knew what He was doing. Friday found me at Solo time and here are some exerts from that time.
“I wish I could put into words the way I'm feeling right now. It's so strange almost numb like. I still feel some things, yet other feelings seem to be missing... It's like a piece of me just vanished. Gone. It's like GOD is here, His joy is coming out, but the deep feeling, caring part of me isn't responding.”
Later that night GOD brought me to Himself and the tears just flowed. I wept actually. I laid on the floor sobbing so loudly I was afraid somebody might come running, yet half hoping somebody would so I wouldn't have to be “alone.” When I realized what GOD had done. How He had spared my life. It's only because of Him that I'm still here. I'm so thankful Jesus conquered death and the grave! For His healing and forgiveness in my life.
Here's a poem that GOD gave me during that time.
I Wept
As I sat down to write a letter,
And thank my friend for reaching out to me.
I broke down and I wept and wept,
As I realized how different things might be.
I wouldn't be here to ever write this,
Much less enjoying the beauty of life from GOD.
My name would be carved on a tombstone.
My body would be lying under the sod.
I wept as I thought of all the joys,
I would never have gotten to know.
I cried as I thought of God's mercy to me,
And of how He loves me so!
I wept as I thought of the pain,
That I would have caused those I love.
Most of all the thought I can hardly bear,
Is that I would've missed going to Heaven above.
The battle for my soul was so intense,
But GOD heard my desperate cry.
He reached down and rescued me,
From the pain and that awful lie.
So when you see my smile today,
Hear my laugh and witness the joy in me.
Only GOD could do what's been done.
Bring me back to life, and set me free!
So if you're ever in that deepest, darkest valley,
And you're wondering if life is worth living?
Know that there is healing and hope,
That GOD is still loving, caring, and forgiving.
Don't give in to the lies to end it all.
Choose JESUS, He will give you life.
You are loved more than you know.
For you, JESUS paid the sacrifice.
It's been quite the journey since that week. God used that piece of my story this summer in ways I would've never dreamed. I don't think of the word suicide the same anymore. I now have a desire to share the HOPE of JESUS with those who are in those dark places. I want to “tell the world” that life is worth choosing, life is worth living! They do matter, their life does have a purpose, there is a Truth greater than the lies. When people are struggling, take time to stop and pray with them and carry them to JESUS. Take time to, reach out your arms and let them know you care. Take time to listen, take time to speak life & truth into their lives. Take time to let them know that despite all their tears, fears, & “messiness”, they are still loved by GOD.
To all of you who are hurting, brokenhearted, & feeling hopeless. Dear one, don't despair... Jesus cares about you & I've been there too.
til next time & loved by God,
Rhonda
